2407 slov, čas čítania 13 min.
Nina sedela na širokom parapete okna v ich malom byte na siedmom poschodí. Cez špinavé okno sledovala, ako sa blížia tmavé mraky. Bola polovica októbra 1997 a jeseň sa už naplno prejavovala. Ešte aj počasie zapadalo do jej nálady – sivé, studené a nepríjemné. Zdola sa ozýval tlmený hluk detského ihriska. Malí chlapci naháňali futbalovú loptu a dievčatá sa hojdali na hrdzavých hojdačkách. Nina odtiahla pohľad od okna a pozrela sa na svoj školský batoh pohodený v rohu izby. Úlohy mala napísané, ale na zajtra sa musela naučiť báseň na slovenčinu. Nemala na to náladu. Vlastne, v poslednom čase nemala náladu takmer na nič.
Nina mala štrnásť rokov a bývala s rodičmi v trojizbovom byte na sídlisku Petržalka. Panelák, v ktorom žili, bol jedným z mnohých sivých blokov, ktoré sa týčili k oblohe ako obrovské kocky lega. Všetky rovnaké, všetky šedé. Ako jej život.
„Nina! Večera je na stole,“ zavolala mama z kuchyne.
Nina neochotne zoskočila z parapety a pomaly sa presunula k stolu. Otec sedel za stolom a čítal noviny, mama pripravovala taniere.
„Ako bolo v škole?“ spýtal sa otec spoza novín.
„Normálne,“ odpovedala Nina jednoslabične.
„Čo to znamená normálne?“ naliehala mama, keď položila pred Ninu tanier s ryžou a kuracím mäsom.
„Nič zvláštne,“ pokrčila Nina plecami. Nechcela hovoriť o škole. O tom, ako ju Andrea s Klaudiou zase ignorovali celý deň. O tom, ako si pri telesnej všimla, že má o dve čísla väčšie tričko ako ostatné dievčatá. O tom, ako ju učiteľka matematiky vyvolala k tabuli a ona nevedela odpovedať na jednoduchú otázku.
„A čo známky? Píšete nejaké písomky?“ otec zložil noviny a pozrel priamo na ňu.
Nina zaváhala. „No… z matiky sme písali. Ale ešte to nevrátila.“
Klamala. Písomku dostali späť už včera. Ona jediná mala päťku. A zajtra ju mali podpísať rodičia. Ale to im nemohla povedať. Nie dnes, keď mali obaja náročný deň v práci. Mama robila účtovníčku vo firme, kde často musela zostávať dlho po pracovnej dobe, a otec pracoval ako technik v televízii a často sa vracal domov neskoro večer.
„Tak sa snaž. Viš, že na tú strednú školu potrebuješ dobré známky,“ pripomenula jej mama už asi po stýkrát.
„Hm,“ zamrmlala Nina a začala sa hrabať v jedle vidličkou.
Po večeri sa Nina zavrela vo svojej malej izbe. Vlastne to ani nebola celkom jej izba. Rodičia z bývalej „detskej“ izby spravili polovicu obývačky a polovicu jej izby. Rozdeľovala ich len tenká stena zo skriniek. Keď sa rodičia pozerali na televízor, počula každé slovo.
Otvorila zošit zo slovenčiny a začala sa učiť báseň. Slová jej ale neliezli do hlavy. Myšlienkami bola stále pri tej matematike. Pri nechápavom pohľade učiteľky. Pri tichom chichote spolužiakov.
Zrazu sa jej oči naplnili slzami. Už toho mala dosť. Všetkého. Školy, spolužiakov, sídliska, malého bytu, večne uponáhľaných rodičov.
Nasledujúce ráno prebiehalo ako zvyčajne. Otec odišiel skoro do práce, mama sa ponáhľala dokončiť domáce práce predtým, než aj ona odíde. Nina sedela za stolom a jedla raňajky.
„Nezabudni, že dnes prídem neskôr,“ pripomenula jej mama, keď sa náhlila dookola. „Máš kľúče? Večeru si nájdeš v chladničke.“
Nina prikývla. Bolo to bežné. Väčšinu poobedí a často aj večerov trávila sama doma. Kedysi to tak nebolo, ale od minulého roka mamu povýšili a otec tiež dostával čoraz viac práce. Chápala to, ale niekedy jej bolo smutno.
„A prosím ťa, dnes naozaj uprac tú svoju izbu. Vyzerá tam ako v chlieve,“ dodala mama.
Nina opäť len prikývla. Nemala chuť hádať sa.
Keď mama konečne odišla, Nina dokončila raňajky a začala sa pripravovať do školy. Zabalila si učebnice, zošity a pero. Zo zásuvky vytiahla aj matematickú písomku s obrovskou červenou päťkou v rohu.
S ťažkým srdcom vyšla z bytu a zamierila k výťahu. V schránke našla nový časopis, ktorý odoberala. Aspoň niečo pozitívne. Strčila ho do tašky a vyšla z paneláku.
Sídlisko sa prebúdzalo do ďalšieho sivého dňa. Skupinky detí sa presúvali do školy, starší obyvatelia venčili svojich psov, unavení ľudia ponáhľajúci sa do práce čakali na zastávkach autobusu.
Ninina základná škola stála len päť minút od ich paneláku. Betónová budova so zelenou fasádou vyzerala rovnako ponuro ako všetko ostatné na sídlisku.
Pred vchodom stála Klaudia s Andreou. Keď ju zbadali, stíšili hlasy. Nina vedela, že hovoria o nej. Snažila sa prejsť okolo nich bez povšimnutia, ale Andrea ju zastavila.
„Ahoj, Nina,“ povedala s falošným úsmevom. „Počuli sme, že si včera dostala päťku z matiky.“
Nina stuhla. „A čo?“ snažila sa znieť sebaisto, ale hlas sa jej trochu zachvel.
„Nič,“ zasmiala sa Klaudia. „Len sa čudujeme, ako môže byť niekto taký hlúpy.“
Nina cítila, ako jej horí tvár. Chcela niečo povedať, brániť sa, ale slová jej uviazli v hrdle. Namiesto toho len prešla popri nich a vbehla do školy.
Deň sa vliekol. Na slovenčine musela recitovať báseň, ktorú sa poriadne nenaučila, a učiteľka jej dala trojku. Na dejepise písali test, ktorý síce nebol ťažký, ale Nina sa nemohla sústrediť. A potom prišla matematika.
„Dúfam, že ste všetci dali podpísať tie písomky,“ povedala učiteľka, keď vošla do triedy.
Nina stuhla. Písomku mala v taške, ale nebola podpísaná. Neodvážila sa ukázať ju rodičom.
„Pokiaľ ju niekto nemá podpísanú, nech sa prihlási teraz,“ dodala učiteľka prísne.
Nina váhala. Mohla by povedať, že písomku zabudla doma, ale učiteľka by jej to neuverila. Pomaly zdvihla ruku.
„Nina?“ učiteľka zdvihla obočie. „Ty nemáš podpísanú písomku?“
„Nie,“ odpovedala ticho.
„A prečo?“
Nina mlčala. Čo mala povedať? Že sa bála ukázať rodičom svoju päťku? Že klamala o tom, že písomky ešte nedostali späť?
„Zajtra ju prinesieš podpísanú,“ povedala učiteľka napokon. „A zapíšem ti poznámku do žiackej knižky.“
Nina cítila, ako jej po tvári stekajú slzy. Nenávidela to. Nenávidela školu, spolužiakov, učiteľov. Všetko.
Po škole Nina pomaly kráčala domov. Nemala sa na čo tešiť. Len na prázdny byt a úlohy. Chvíľu postávala pred panelákom a sledovala mladších chlapcov hrajúcich futbal.
Kedysi sa aj ona hrávala vonku s deťmi zo sídliska. Mali partiu, chodili na ihrisko, na bicykle, v zime sa sánkovali na kopci za sídliskom. Ale potom prišiel ten vek, keď sa všetci začali deliť. Chlapci a dievčatá zvlášť. Krásne dievčatá ako Andrea a Klaudia v jednej skupine, ostatní roztrúsení okolo.
Nina nepatrila nikam.
S povzdychom vystúpila výťahom na siedme poschodie a odomkla dvere bytu. Ticho ju privítalo ako vždy. Položila školskú tašku na zem a otvorila chladničku. Mama jej tam nechala misku s cestovinovým šalátom a lístok s odkazom: „Večera v mikrovlnke, učiť sa, upratať izbu! Prídem o siedmej. Mama“
Nina si zohrala večeru, hoci bol len skorý poobedný čas, a sadla si s ňou k televízoru. Zapla si nejaký americký seriál, ktorý práve bežal. Nerozumela všetkému, čo hovorili, ale bavilo ju sledovať životy tých pekných ľudí v krásnych domoch.
Po jedle si spomenula na matematickú písomku. Musela ju dať podpísať. Ale ako? Mohla by skúsiť podpis sfalšovať, ale mama by to určite spoznala. A keby sa to dozvedela, bolo by to ešte horšie.
Vytiahla písomku z tašky a dlho na ňu hľadela. Červená päťka akoby na ňu kričala. Položila ju na stôl v kuchyni, kde ju mama určite uvidí, keď príde domov. Bude to nepríjemné, ale už nemala na výber.
Potom sa presunula do svojej izby, aby sa začala učiť. Matematika jej nikdy nešla, ale teraz sa musela extra snažiť. Otvorila učebnicu a snažila sa pochopiť zlomky a desatinné čísla, ktoré im vysvetľovali.
Po hodine sa vzdala. Bolo to beznádejné. Matematika bola pre ňu ako cudzí jazyk. Otvorila si zošit zo slovenčiny a začala písať slohovú prácu, ktorú mali zadanú na budúci týždeň. Mala napísať o svojich plánoch do budúcnosti.
Ale Nina nevedela, čo chce robiť. Nevedela, kým chce byť. Mala pocit, že nemá žiadne zvláštne nadanie ani záľuby. Bola proste… obyčajná. A to bolo v dnešnom svete asi to najhoršie, čo človek mohol byť.
Nakoniec napísala niečo všeobecné o tom, ako chce cestovať a spoznávať svet. Aj keď nevedela, či je to pravda. Vlastne nikdy necestovali ďalej ako k babke na dedinu. Nemali na to peniaze ani čas.
Keď dokončila úlohy, bolo len pol piatej. Do príchodu mamy ešte zostávali dve a pol hodiny. Nina sa rozhodla, že si poupratuje izbu, aby mama nemala dôvod byť na ňu nahnevaná, keď uvidí tú päťku.
Pozbierala oblečenie z podlahy, poukladala knihy a časopisy na poličku, utrela prach a dokonca aj povysávala. Keď skončila, izba vyzerala oveľa lepšie. Bola na seba hrdá.
Potom si spomenula na nový časopis, ktorý našla ráno v schránke. Vytiahla ho z tašky a ľahla si na posteľ. Bol to magazín pre teenagerov plný článkov o hudbe, filmoch, móde a radách pre dospievajúce dievčatá.
Nina listovala stránkami a zastavila sa pri článku s názvom „Ako byť sebavedomá“. Začítala sa do neho. Článok bol o tom, ako si veriť, ako sa vyrovnať so školským tlakom a ako sa nenechať odradiť neúspechmi.
„Každý má svoj vlastný čas,“ písalo sa v článku. „Niektorí ľudia zažiaria skoro, iní neskôr. Dôležité je nevzdávať sa a veriť v seba.“
Nina nad tým premýšľala. Bola naozaj taká, ako si o nej mysleli – hlúpa a neschopná? Alebo len potrebovala viac času? Viac trpezlivosti so sebou?
Čítala ďalej a narazila na príbeh dievčaťa, ktoré malo podobné problémy ako ona. Ale toto dievča sa nevzdalo. Našlo si koníček, ktorý ju bavil – fotografovanie – a postupne v ňom začalo vynikať. Získala tým sebavedomie, ktoré jej pomohlo aj v iných oblastiach života.
Nina premýšľala, či aj ona má niečo takéto. Niečo, v čom by mohla byť dobrá. Vždy rada kreslila. Nemyslela si, že je v tom výnimočná, ale bavilo ju to. Možno by sa tomu mohla viac venovať.
O siedmej sa ozval zvuk kľúčov vo dverách. Mama prišla domov. Nina sedela vo svojej izbe a čítala si ďalej v časopise. Počula, ako mama odkladá veci, ako prechádza do kuchyne. A potom ticho. Vedela, že mama našla tú písomku.
„Nina!“ zavolala po chvíli mama.
Nina pomaly vyšla z izby. Mama stála v kuchyni s písomkou v ruke.
„Čo je toto?“ spýtala sa prísne.
„Písomka z matematiky,“ odpovedala Nina ticho.
„Vidím, že písomka. Ale prečo máš päťku? A prečo mi o tom hovoríš až teraz?“
Nina mlčala.
„Pýtam sa ťa niečo,“ zvýšila mama hlas. „Vieš, že od teba očakávame dobré známky. Ako sa chceš dostať na dobrú strednú školu s takýmito výsledkami?“
„Ja neviem,“ zašepkala Nina. „Matematika mi nejde.“
„Nejde ti, pretože sa neučíš dosť,“ povedala mama. „Celé dni len vysedávaš pred televízorom alebo čítaš tie hlúpe časopisy.“
To nebola pravda a Nina to vedela. Učila sa. Možno nie toľko, koľko by mala, ale snažila sa. Matematika jej jednoducho nešla do hlavy.
„To nie je pravda,“ namietla. „Učím sa, ale…“
„Ale čo?“ nedala sa mama.
„Neviem to pochopiť. Snažím sa, ale nejde mi to.“
Mama si povzdychla a posadila sa za stôl. „Nina, vieš, že s otcom chceme pre teba len to najlepšie. Chceme, aby si mala lepší život, než máme my. Aby si nemusela žiť v takomto malom byte, aby si mala dobrú prácu…“
„Ale čo ak nechcem to, čo vy chcete?“ vyhŕkla Nina zrazu. „Čo ak nechcem byť účtovníčka alebo právnička alebo čo si tam predstavujete? Čo ak chcem robiť niečo iné?“
„A čo by si chcela robiť?“ spýtala sa mama prekvapene.
Nina zaváhala. Nevedela presne, čo by chcela robiť. Ale vedela, že nechce byť taká ako jej mama – večne ustarostená, uponáhľaná, unavená. Nechcela tráviť celý život v kancelárii.
„Neviem ešte,“ priznala. „Ale niečo, čo ma bude baviť. Možno niečo kreatívne.“
Mama sa na ňu dlho pozerala. „Nina, život nie je len o zábave. Práca je zodpovednosť. Nemôžeš si len tak vyberať, čo ťa baví.“
„Prečo nie?“ odporovala Nina. „Prečo by som nemohla robiť niečo, čo ma baví a v čom som dobrá? Prečo musím robiť presne to, čo vy chcete?“
Mama chvíľu mlčala. „A v čom si dobrá?“ spýtala sa napokon ticho.
Nina zaváhala. „Rada kreslím,“ povedala nakoniec.
„Kreslenie nie je poriadna práca, Nina.“
„Ale mohlo by byť! Mohla by som byť ilustrátorka, grafička, dizajnérka…“
Mama vzdychla. „Nina, to sú nespoľahlivé povolania. Potrebuješ niečo stabilné, niečo, čo ťa uživí.“
Nina cítila, ako jej do očí stúpajú slzy. Mama ju vôbec nechápala. Nikto ju nechápal.
„Nechcem byť ako vy!“ vykríkla zrazu. „Nechcem celý život iba pracovať a pracovať a nemať čas na nič iné! Nechcem žiť v tomto sivom paneláku do konca života!“
Mama na ňu prekvapene pozrela. „Nina…“
„Nie!“ Nina ju prerušila. „Vy ani neviete, aká som! Celé dni ste v práci! Neviete, čo ma baví, neviete, čo mám rada, neviete, čo sa deje v škole!“
S týmito slovami sa Nina otočila a utekala do svojej izby. Zabuchla za sebou dvere a hodila sa na posteľ. Slzy jej stekali po tvári.
Po chvíli sa ozvalo tiché klopanie na dvere.
„Nina? Môžem vstúpiť?“ spýtala sa mama.
Nina neodpovedala. Mama pomaly otvorila dvere a vošla dnu. Sadla si na okraj postele.
„Nina, je mi to ľúto,“ povedala ticho. „Máš pravdu. Netrávime spolu dosť času. Ale to neznamená, že mi na tebe nezáleží.“
Nina sa posadila a utrela si slzy. „Tak prečo ma nenecháš, aby som si sama vybrala, čo chcem robiť? Prečo mi neveria, že môžem byť dobrá v niečom inom než v matematike?“
Mama si povzdychla. „Bojím sa o teba, Nina. Svet je ťažký a ja len chcem, aby si mala istotu.“
„Ale ja nechcem istotu, ak to znamená, že budem nešťastná,“ povedala Nina.
Mama chvíľu mlčala. „Ukáž mi, čo kreslíš,“ povedala napokon.
Nina zaváhala, ale potom sa natiahla pod posteľ a vytiahla starý zošit. Bol plný jej kresieb – postavy, krajiny, budovy, zvieratá.
Mama listovala zošitom. „Nina, to je krásne,“ povedala prekvapene. „Nevedela som, že takto dobre kreslíš.“
„Vážne sa ti to páči?“ spýtala sa Nina nedôverčivo.
„Áno, naozaj. Máš talent.“
Nina sa prvýkrát za celý deň usmiala.
„Vieš čo?“ povedala mama. „Urobíme kompromis. Budeš sa snažiť zlepšiť sa v matematike – nie kvôli mne, ale kvôli sebe, aby si mala viac možností. A ja ti pomôžem rozvíjať tvoj talent v kreslení. Čo na to povieš?“
Nina prikývla. „To znie dobre.“
„A budem sa snažiť tráviť s tebou viac času,“ dodala mama. „Možno by sme mohli spolu nakresliť niečo tento víkend. Kedysi som tiež rada kreslila, vieš?“
„Naozaj?“ spýtala sa Nina prekvapene.
„Áno,“ usmiala sa mama. „Asi to máš po mne.“
Nina sa k mame pritúlila. Prvýkrát za dlhý čas mala pocit, že ju niekto naozaj vidí. Nie ako problém, nie ako študentku s pätorkami, ale ako osobu s vlastnými snami a túžbami.
Vonku sa pomaly stmievalo a sivé panelákové bloky sa strácali v tme. Ale v Nine sa rozsvietilo malé svetielko nádeje. Možno život na sídlisku nebol taký zlý, ak mala pri sebe ľudí, ktorí ju milovali a podporovali. Možno si dokázala nájsť svoju vlastnú cestu aj uprostred sivých blokov.
Gray Blocks
13 min.
Nina sat on the wide windowsill in their small apartment on the seventh floor. Through the dirty window, she watched dark clouds approaching. It was mid-October 1997, and autumn was in full swing. Even the weather matched her mood – gray, cold, and unpleasant.
From below came the muffled noise of the playground. Little boys chased a soccer ball, and girls swung on rusty swings. Nina turned her gaze away from the window and looked at her school bag tossed in the corner of the room. She had finished her homework, but she had to memorize a poem for tomorrow’s Slovak language class. She wasn’t in the mood for it. Actually, lately, she hadn’t been in the mood for almost anything.
Nina was fourteen years old and lived with her parents in a three-room apartment in the Petržalka housing estate. The high-rise building they lived in was one of many gray blocks that stood up to the sky like huge Lego cubes. All the same, all gray. Like her life.
„Nina! Dinner is on the table,“ her mom called from the kitchen.
Nina reluctantly jumped down from the windowsill and slowly moved to the table. Her father sat at the table reading the newspaper, her mother preparing plates.
„How was school?“ her father asked from behind the newspaper.
„Normal,“ Nina answered in one syllable.
„What does ‚normal‘ mean?“ her mother insisted as she placed a plate of rice and chicken meat in front of Nina.
„Nothing special,“ Nina shrugged. She didn’t want to talk about school. About how Andrea and Klaudia had ignored her all day again. About how during PE class, she noticed her T-shirt was two sizes bigger than the other girls‘. About how her math teacher called her to the blackboard, and she couldn’t answer a simple question.
„And what about grades? Are you writing any tests?“ her father put down the newspaper and looked directly at her.
Nina hesitated. „Well… we had a math test. But she hasn’t returned them yet.“
She was lying. They got their tests back yesterday. She was the only one with an F. And tomorrow, parents had to sign it. But she couldn’t tell them that. Not today, when both had had a tough day at work. Her mother worked as an accountant in a company where she often had to stay long after working hours, and her father worked as a technician at the television station and often returned home late in the evening.
„Try hard. You know you need good grades for that high school,“ her mother reminded her for perhaps the hundredth time.
„Hmm,“ Nina mumbled and began poking at her food with a fork.
After dinner, Nina shut herself in her small room. Actually, it wasn’t even entirely her room. Her parents had turned the former „children’s room“ into half a living room and half her room. They were separated only by a thin wall of cabinets. When her parents watched TV, she heard every word.
She opened her Slovak language notebook and began learning the poem. But the words wouldn’t stick in her head. Her thoughts were still on that math test. On the teacher’s uncomprehending look. On the quiet chuckle of her classmates.
Suddenly her eyes filled with tears. She’d had enough. Of everything. School, classmates, the housing estate, the small apartment, eternally rushed parents.
The next morning proceeded as usual. Her father left early for work, her mother rushed to finish housework before she left too. Nina sat at the table eating breakfast.
„Don’t forget I’m coming home later today,“ her mother reminded her as she hurried around. „Do you have your keys? You’ll find dinner in the fridge.“
Nina nodded. It was common. She spent most afternoons and often evenings alone at home. It hadn’t always been like that, but since last year, her mother had been promoted, and her father was also getting more and more work. She understood, but sometimes she felt sad.
„And please, really clean up that room of yours today. It looks like a pigsty in there,“ her mother added.
Nina nodded again. She didn’t feel like arguing.
When her mother finally left, Nina finished breakfast and began preparing for school. She packed her textbooks, notebooks, and a pen. From the drawer, she also pulled out the math test with a huge red F in the corner.
With a heavy heart, she left the apartment and headed for the elevator. In the mailbox, she found a new magazine she subscribed to. At least something positive. She tucked it into her bag and left the high-rise.
The housing estate was waking up to another gray day. Groups of children moved to school, older residents walked their dogs, tired people rushing to work waited at bus stops.
Nina’s elementary school stood just five minutes from their high-rise. The concrete building with a green facade looked as gloomy as everything else on the housing estate.
Klaudia and Andrea stood in front of the entrance. When they spotted her, they lowered their voices. Nina knew they were talking about her. She tried to walk past them without notice, but Andrea stopped her.
„Hi, Nina,“ she said with a fake smile. „We heard you got an F in math yesterday.“
Nina froze. „So what?“ she tried to sound confident, but her voice trembled slightly.
„Nothing,“ Klaudia laughed. „We’re just wondering how someone can be so stupid.“
Nina felt her face burning. She wanted to say something, to defend herself, but the words got stuck in her throat. Instead, she just walked past them and ran into the school.
The day dragged on. In Slovak class, she had to recite the poem she hadn’t properly learned, and the teacher gave her a C. In history, they wrote a test that wasn’t difficult, but Nina couldn’t concentrate. And then came math.
„I hope you all had those tests signed,“ the teacher said as she entered the classroom.
Nina froze. She had the test in her bag, but it wasn’t signed. She hadn’t dared to show it to her parents.
„If anyone doesn’t have it signed, raise your hand now,“ the teacher added sternly.
Nina hesitated. She could say she forgot the test at home, but the teacher wouldn’t believe her. Slowly, she raised her hand.
„Nina?“ the teacher raised an eyebrow. „You don’t have your test signed?“
„No,“ she answered quietly.
„And why not?“
Nina was silent. What was she supposed to say? That she was afraid to show her parents her F? That she lied about not getting the tests back yet?
„You’ll bring it signed tomorrow,“ the teacher said at last. „And I’ll write a note in your student book.“
Nina felt tears running down her face. She hated it. She hated school, classmates, teachers. Everything.
After school, Nina slowly walked home. She had nothing to look forward to. Just an empty apartment and homework. She stood in front of the high-rise for a while, watching younger boys playing soccer.
Once, she used to play outside with the kids from the housing estate too. They had a group, went to the playground, rode bikes, sledded on the hill behind the housing estate in winter. But then came that age when everyone started to separate. Boys and girls separately. Beautiful girls like Andrea and Klaudia in one group, the rest scattered around.
Nina didn’t belong anywhere.
With a sigh, she took the elevator to the seventh floor and unlocked the door to the apartment. Silence greeted her as always. She put her school bag on the floor and opened the refrigerator. Her mother had left her a bowl of pasta salad and a note: „Dinner in the microwave, study, clean your room! I’ll be home at seven. Mom“
Nina heated up dinner, although it was only early afternoon, and sat down with it in front of the TV. She turned on some American series that was playing. She didn’t understand everything they said, but she enjoyed watching the lives of those beautiful people in beautiful houses.
After eating, she remembered the math test. She had to get it signed. But how? She could try to forge the signature, but her mother would definitely recognize it. And if she found out, it would be even worse.
She pulled the test out of her bag and stared at it for a long time. The red F seemed to be screaming at her. She placed it on the kitchen table, where her mother would definitely see it when she came home. It would be uncomfortable, but she had no choice now.
Then she moved to her room to start studying. Math had never been her strong point, but now she had to try extra hard. She opened the textbook and tried to understand the fractions and decimal numbers they were explaining.
After an hour, she gave up. It was hopeless. Math was like a foreign language to her. She opened her Slovak notebook and began writing the essay they had assigned for next week. She had to write about her plans for the future.
But Nina didn’t know what she wanted to do. She didn’t know who she wanted to be. She felt she had no special talents or hobbies. She was simply… ordinary. And that was probably the worst thing one could be in today’s world.
In the end, she wrote something general about wanting to travel and explore the world. Although she didn’t know if it was true. Actually, they had never traveled further than to grandmother’s village. They didn’t have the money or time for it.
When she finished her assignments, it was only half past four. There were still two and a half hours until her mother’s return. Nina decided to clean up her room so her mother wouldn’t have a reason to be angry with her when she saw that F.
She picked up clothes from the floor, arranged books and magazines on the shelf, dusted, and even vacuumed. When she finished, the room looked much better. She was proud of herself.
Then she remembered the new magazine she had found in the mailbox that morning. She pulled it out of her bag and lay down on the bed. It was a teen magazine full of articles about music, movies, fashion, and advice for teenage girls.
Nina flipped through the pages and stopped at an article titled „How to Be Confident.“ She began reading it. The article was about self-belief, how to cope with school pressure, and how not to be discouraged by failures.
„Everyone has their own time,“ the article stated. „Some people shine early, others later. The important thing is not to give up and to believe in yourself.“
Nina thought about it. Was she really as they thought of her – stupid and incapable? Or did she just need more time? More patience with herself?
She read on and came across the story of a girl who had similar problems to hers. But this girl didn’t give up. She found a hobby she enjoyed – photography – and gradually began to excel at it. This gave her confidence that helped her in other areas of life too.
Nina wondered if she had something like this too. Something she could be good at. She always liked drawing. She didn’t think she was exceptional at it, but she enjoyed it. Maybe she could devote more time to it.
At seven, the sound of keys in the door was heard. Her mother came home. Nina sat in her room, still reading the magazine. She heard her mother putting things away, walking into the kitchen. And then silence. She knew her mother had found the test.
„Nina!“ her mother called after a moment.
Nina slowly came out of her room. Her mother stood in the kitchen with the test in her hand.
„What is this?“ she asked sternly.
„A math test,“ Nina answered quietly.
„I can see it’s a test. But why do you have an F? And why are you telling me about it only now?“
Nina was silent.
„I’m asking you something,“ her mother raised her voice. „You know we expect good grades from you. How do you expect to get into a good high school with results like these?“
„I don’t know,“ Nina whispered. „I’m not good at math.“
„You’re not good because you don’t study enough,“ her mother said. „All day you just sit in front of the TV or read those stupid magazines.“
That wasn’t true and Nina knew it. She studied. Maybe not as much as she should, but she tried. Math just wouldn’t stick in her head.
„That’s not true,“ she protested. „I do study, but…“
„But what?“ her mother persisted.
„I can’t understand it. I try, but I just can’t get it.“
Her mother sighed and sat down at the table. „Nina, you know that your father and I only want what’s best for you. We want you to have a better life than we have. So you don’t have to live in a small apartment like this, so you can have a good job…“
„But what if I don’t want what you want?“ Nina suddenly blurted out. „What if I don’t want to be an accountant or a lawyer or whatever you imagine? What if I want to do something else?“
„And what would you like to do?“ her mother asked, surprised.
Nina hesitated. She didn’t know exactly what she wanted to do. But she knew she didn’t want to be like her mother – eternally worried, rushed, tired. She didn’t want to spend her whole life in an office.
„I don’t know yet,“ she admitted. „But something I’ll enjoy. Maybe something creative.“
Her mother looked at her for a long time. „Nina, life isn’t just about fun. Work is a responsibility. You can’t just choose what you enjoy.“
„Why not?“ Nina argued. „Why couldn’t I do something I enjoy and am good at? Why must I do exactly what you want?“
Her mother was silent for a moment. „And what are you good at?“ she finally asked quietly.
Nina hesitated. „I like drawing,“ she said at last.
„Drawing isn’t a proper job, Nina.“
„But it could be! I could be an illustrator, a graphic designer, a designer…“
Her mother sighed. „Nina, those are unreliable professions. You need something stable, something that will support you.“
Nina felt tears rising to her eyes. Her mother didn’t understand her at all. No one understood her.
„I don’t want to be like you!“ she suddenly cried out. „I don’t want to just work and work all my life and not have time for anything else! I don’t want to live in this gray high-rise for the rest of my life!“
Her mother looked at her in surprise. „Nina…“
„No!“ Nina interrupted her. „You don’t even know who I am! You are at work all day! You don’t know what I enjoy, you don’t know what I like, you don’t know what’s happening at school!“
With these words, Nina turned and ran to her room. She slammed the door behind her and threw herself on the bed. Tears streamed down her face.
After a while, there was a soft knock on the door.
„Nina? May I come in?“ her mother asked.
Nina didn’t answer. Her mother slowly opened the door and came in. She sat on the edge of the bed.
„Nina, I’m sorry,“ she said quietly. „You’re right. We don’t spend enough time together. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.“
Nina sat up and wiped away her tears. „Then why don’t you let me choose what I want to do? Why don’t you believe I can be good at something other than math?“
Her mother sighed. „I’m worried about you, Nina. The world is tough, and I just want you to have security.“
„But I don’t want security if it means I’ll be unhappy,“ said Nina.
Her mother was silent for a moment. „Show me what you draw,“ she said at last.
Nina hesitated, but then reached under the bed and pulled out an old notebook. It was full of her drawings – figures, landscapes, buildings, animals.
Her mother flipped through the notebook. „Nina, this is beautiful,“ she said in surprise. „I didn’t know you draw this well.“
„Do you really like it?“ Nina asked incredulously.
„Yes, really. You have talent.“
Nina smiled for the first time all day.
„You know what?“ her mother said. „Let’s make a compromise. You’ll try to improve in math – not for me, but for yourself, so you have more options. And I’ll help you develop your talent in drawing. What do you say?“
Nina nodded. „That sounds good.“
„And I’ll try to spend more time with you,“ her mother added. „Maybe we could draw something together this weekend. I used to like drawing too, you know?“
„Really?“ Nina asked in surprise.
„Yes,“ her mother smiled. „You probably got it from me.“
Nina cuddled up to her mother. For the first time in a long time, she felt like someone really saw her. Not as a problem, not as a student with Fs, but as a person with her own dreams and desires.
Outside, it was slowly getting dark, and the gray high-rise blocks were disappearing into the darkness. But in Nina, a small light of hope lit up. Maybe life on the housing estate wasn’t so bad if she had people who loved and supported her. Maybe she could find her own way even among the gray blocks.Gray Blocks
Nina sat on the wide windowsill in their small apartment on the seventh floor. Through the dirty window, she watched dark clouds approaching. It was mid-October 1997, and autumn was in full swing. Even the weather matched her mood – gray, cold, and unpleasant.
From below came the muffled noise of the playground. Little boys chased a soccer ball, and girls swung on rusty swings. Nina turned her gaze away from the window and looked at her school bag tossed in the corner of the room. She had finished her homework, but she had to memorize a poem for tomorrow’s Slovak language class. She wasn’t in the mood for it. Actually, lately, she hadn’t been in the mood for almost anything.
Nina was fourteen years old and lived with her parents in a three-room apartment in the Petržalka housing estate. The high-rise building they lived in was one of many gray blocks that stood up to the sky like huge Lego cubes. All the same, all gray. Like her life.
„Nina! Dinner is on the table,“ her mom called from the kitchen.
Nina reluctantly jumped down from the windowsill and slowly moved to the table. Her father sat at the table reading the newspaper, her mother preparing plates.
„How was school?“ her father asked from behind the newspaper.
„Normal,“ Nina answered in one syllable.
„What does ‚normal‘ mean?“ her mother insisted as she placed a plate of rice and chicken meat in front of Nina.
„Nothing special,“ Nina shrugged. She didn’t want to talk about school. About how Andrea and Klaudia had ignored her all day again. About how during PE class, she noticed her T-shirt was two sizes bigger than the other girls‘. About how her math teacher called her to the blackboard, and she couldn’t answer a simple question.
„And what about grades? Are you writing any tests?“ her father put down the newspaper and looked directly at her.
Nina hesitated. „Well… we had a math test. But she hasn’t returned them yet.“
She was lying. They got their tests back yesterday. She was the only one with an F. And tomorrow, parents had to sign it. But she couldn’t tell them that. Not today, when both had had a tough day at work. Her mother worked as an accountant in a company where she often had to stay long after working hours, and her father worked as a technician at the television station and often returned home late in the evening.
„Try hard. You know you need good grades for that high school,“ her mother reminded her for perhaps the hundredth time.
„Hmm,“ Nina mumbled and began poking at her food with a fork.
After dinner, Nina shut herself in her small room. Actually, it wasn’t even entirely her room. Her parents had turned the former „children’s room“ into half a living room and half her room. They were separated only by a thin wall of cabinets. When her parents watched TV, she heard every word.
She opened her Slovak language notebook and began learning the poem. But the words wouldn’t stick in her head. Her thoughts were still on that math test. On the teacher’s uncomprehending look. On the quiet chuckle of her classmates.
Suddenly her eyes filled with tears. She’d had enough. Of everything. School, classmates, the housing estate, the small apartment, eternally rushed parents.
The next morning proceeded as usual. Her father left early for work, her mother rushed to finish housework before she left too. Nina sat at the table eating breakfast.
„Don’t forget I’m coming home later today,“ her mother reminded her as she hurried around. „Do you have your keys? You’ll find dinner in the fridge.“
Nina nodded. It was common. She spent most afternoons and often evenings alone at home. It hadn’t always been like that, but since last year, her mother had been promoted, and her father was also getting more and more work. She understood, but sometimes she felt sad.
„And please, really clean up that room of yours today. It looks like a pigsty in there,“ her mother added.
Nina nodded again. She didn’t feel like arguing.
When her mother finally left, Nina finished breakfast and began preparing for school. She packed her textbooks, notebooks, and a pen. From the drawer, she also pulled out the math test with a huge red F in the corner.
With a heavy heart, she left the apartment and headed for the elevator. In the mailbox, she found a new magazine she subscribed to. At least something positive. She tucked it into her bag and left the high-rise.
The housing estate was waking up to another gray day. Groups of children moved to school, older residents walked their dogs, tired people rushing to work waited at bus stops.
Nina’s elementary school stood just five minutes from their high-rise. The concrete building with a green facade looked as gloomy as everything else on the housing estate.
Klaudia and Andrea stood in front of the entrance. When they spotted her, they lowered their voices. Nina knew they were talking about her. She tried to walk past them without notice, but Andrea stopped her.
„Hi, Nina,“ she said with a fake smile. „We heard you got an F in math yesterday.“
Nina froze. „So what?“ she tried to sound confident, but her voice trembled slightly.
„Nothing,“ Klaudia laughed. „We’re just wondering how someone can be so stupid.“
Nina felt her face burning. She wanted to say something, to defend herself, but the words got stuck in her throat. Instead, she just walked past them and ran into the school.
The day dragged on. In Slovak class, she had to recite the poem she hadn’t properly learned, and the teacher gave her a C. In history, they wrote a test that wasn’t difficult, but Nina couldn’t concentrate. And then came math.
„I hope you all had those tests signed,“ the teacher said as she entered the classroom.
Nina froze. She had the test in her bag, but it wasn’t signed. She hadn’t dared to show it to her parents.
„If anyone doesn’t have it signed, raise your hand now,“ the teacher added sternly.
Nina hesitated. She could say she forgot the test at home, but the teacher wouldn’t believe her. Slowly, she raised her hand.
„Nina?“ the teacher raised an eyebrow. „You don’t have your test signed?“
„No,“ she answered quietly.
„And why not?“
Nina was silent. What was she supposed to say? That she was afraid to show her parents her F? That she lied about not getting the tests back yet?
„You’ll bring it signed tomorrow,“ the teacher said at last. „And I’ll write a note in your student book.“
Nina felt tears running down her face. She hated it. She hated school, classmates, teachers. Everything.
After school, Nina slowly walked home. She had nothing to look forward to. Just an empty apartment and homework. She stood in front of the high-rise for a while, watching younger boys playing soccer.
Once, she used to play outside with the kids from the housing estate too. They had a group, went to the playground, rode bikes, sledded on the hill behind the housing estate in winter. But then came that age when everyone started to separate. Boys and girls separately. Beautiful girls like Andrea and Klaudia in one group, the rest scattered around.
Nina didn’t belong anywhere.
With a sigh, she took the elevator to the seventh floor and unlocked the door to the apartment. Silence greeted her as always. She put her school bag on the floor and opened the refrigerator. Her mother had left her a bowl of pasta salad and a note: „Dinner in the microwave, study, clean your room! I’ll be home at seven. Mom“
Nina heated up dinner, although it was only early afternoon, and sat down with it in front of the TV. She turned on some American series that was playing. She didn’t understand everything they said, but she enjoyed watching the lives of those beautiful people in beautiful houses.
After eating, she remembered the math test. She had to get it signed. But how? She could try to forge the signature, but her mother would definitely recognize it. And if she found out, it would be even worse.
She pulled the test out of her bag and stared at it for a long time. The red F seemed to be screaming at her. She placed it on the kitchen table, where her mother would definitely see it when she came home. It would be uncomfortable, but she had no choice now.
Then she moved to her room to start studying. Math had never been her strong point, but now she had to try extra hard. She opened the textbook and tried to understand the fractions and decimal numbers they were explaining.
After an hour, she gave up. It was hopeless. Math was like a foreign language to her. She opened her Slovak notebook and began writing the essay they had assigned for next week. She had to write about her plans for the future.
But Nina didn’t know what she wanted to do. She didn’t know who she wanted to be. She felt she had no special talents or hobbies. She was simply… ordinary. And that was probably the worst thing one could be in today’s world.
In the end, she wrote something general about wanting to travel and explore the world. Although she didn’t know if it was true. Actually, they had never traveled further than to grandmother’s village. They didn’t have the money or time for it.
When she finished her assignments, it was only half past four. There were still two and a half hours until her mother’s return. Nina decided to clean up her room so her mother wouldn’t have a reason to be angry with her when she saw that F.
She picked up clothes from the floor, arranged books and magazines on the shelf, dusted, and even vacuumed. When she finished, the room looked much better. She was proud of herself.
Then she remembered the new magazine she had found in the mailbox that morning. She pulled it out of her bag and lay down on the bed. It was a teen magazine full of articles about music, movies, fashion, and advice for teenage girls.
Nina flipped through the pages and stopped at an article titled „How to Be Confident.“ She began reading it. The article was about self-belief, how to cope with school pressure, and how not to be discouraged by failures.
„Everyone has their own time,“ the article stated. „Some people shine early, others later. The important thing is not to give up and to believe in yourself.“
Nina thought about it. Was she really as they thought of her – stupid and incapable? Or did she just need more time? More patience with herself?
She read on and came across the story of a girl who had similar problems to hers. But this girl didn’t give up. She found a hobby she enjoyed – photography – and gradually began to excel at it. This gave her confidence that helped her in other areas of life too.
Nina wondered if she had something like this too. Something she could be good at. She always liked drawing. She didn’t think she was exceptional at it, but she enjoyed it. Maybe she could devote more time to it.
At seven, the sound of keys in the door was heard. Her mother came home. Nina sat in her room, still reading the magazine. She heard her mother putting things away, walking into the kitchen. And then silence. She knew her mother had found the test.
„Nina!“ her mother called after a moment.
Nina slowly came out of her room. Her mother stood in the kitchen with the test in her hand.
„What is this?“ she asked sternly.
„A math test,“ Nina answered quietly.
„I can see it’s a test. But why do you have an F? And why are you telling me about it only now?“
Nina was silent.
„I’m asking you something,“ her mother raised her voice. „You know we expect good grades from you. How do you expect to get into a good high school with results like these?“
„I don’t know,“ Nina whispered. „I’m not good at math.“
„You’re not good because you don’t study enough,“ her mother said. „All day you just sit in front of the TV or read those stupid magazines.“
That wasn’t true and Nina knew it. She studied. Maybe not as much as she should, but she tried. Math just wouldn’t stick in her head.
„That’s not true,“ she protested. „I do study, but…“
„But what?“ her mother persisted.
„I can’t understand it. I try, but I just can’t get it.“
Her mother sighed and sat down at the table. „Nina, you know that your father and I only want what’s best for you. We want you to have a better life than we have. So you don’t have to live in a small apartment like this, so you can have a good job…“
„But what if I don’t want what you want?“ Nina suddenly blurted out. „What if I don’t want to be an accountant or a lawyer or whatever you imagine? What if I want to do something else?“
„And what would you like to do?“ her mother asked, surprised.
Nina hesitated. She didn’t know exactly what she wanted to do. But she knew she didn’t want to be like her mother – eternally worried, rushed, tired. She didn’t want to spend her whole life in an office.
„I don’t know yet,“ she admitted. „But something I’ll enjoy. Maybe something creative.“
Her mother looked at her for a long time. „Nina, life isn’t just about fun. Work is a responsibility. You can’t just choose what you enjoy.“
„Why not?“ Nina argued. „Why couldn’t I do something I enjoy and am good at? Why must I do exactly what you want?“
Her mother was silent for a moment. „And what are you good at?“ she finally asked quietly.
Nina hesitated. „I like drawing,“ she said at last.
„Drawing isn’t a proper job, Nina.“
„But it could be! I could be an illustrator, a graphic designer, a designer…“
Her mother sighed. „Nina, those are unreliable professions. You need something stable, something that will support you.“
Nina felt tears rising to her eyes. Her mother didn’t understand her at all. No one understood her.
„I don’t want to be like you!“ she suddenly cried out. „I don’t want to just work and work all my life and not have time for anything else! I don’t want to live in this gray high-rise for the rest of my life!“
Her mother looked at her in surprise. „Nina…“
„No!“ Nina interrupted her. „You don’t even know who I am! You are at work all day! You don’t know what I enjoy, you don’t know what I like, you don’t know what’s happening at school!“
With these words, Nina turned and ran to her room. She slammed the door behind her and threw herself on the bed. Tears streamed down her face.
After a while, there was a soft knock on the door.
„Nina? May I come in?“ her mother asked.
Nina didn’t answer. Her mother slowly opened the door and came in. She sat on the edge of the bed.
„Nina, I’m sorry,“ she said quietly. „You’re right. We don’t spend enough time together. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.“
Nina sat up and wiped away her tears. „Then why don’t you let me choose what I want to do? Why don’t you believe I can be good at something other than math?“
Her mother sighed. „I’m worried about you, Nina. The world is tough, and I just want you to have security.“
„But I don’t want security if it means I’ll be unhappy,“ said Nina.
Her mother was silent for a moment. „Show me what you draw,“ she said at last.
Nina hesitated, but then reached under the bed and pulled out an old notebook. It was full of her drawings – figures, landscapes, buildings, animals.
Her mother flipped through the notebook. „Nina, this is beautiful,“ she said in surprise. „I didn’t know you draw this well.“
„Do you really like it?“ Nina asked incredulously.
„Yes, really. You have talent.“
Nina smiled for the first time all day.
„You know what?“ her mother said. „Let’s make a compromise. You’ll try to improve in math – not for me, but for yourself, so you have more options. And I’ll help you develop your talent in drawing. What do you say?“
Nina nodded. „That sounds good.“
„And I’ll try to spend more time with you,“ her mother added. „Maybe we could draw something together this weekend. I used to like drawing too, you know?“
„Really?“ Nina asked in surprise.
„Yes,“ her mother smiled. „You probably got it from me.“
Nina cuddled up to her mother. For the first time in a long time, she felt like someone really saw her. Not as a problem, not as a student with Fs, but as a person with her own dreams and desires.
Outside, it was slowly getting dark, and the gray high-rise blocks were disappearing into the darkness. But in Nina, a small light of hope lit up. Maybe life on the housing estate wasn’t so bad if she had people who loved and supported her. Maybe she could find her own way even among the gray blocks.