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Ospravedlnenie nestačí je nová časť seriálu Medzi nami, pripravená ako dvojjazyčný detský príbeh v slovenčine aj angličtine.
Ospravedlnenie nestačí: začína sa príbeh
Prestávka sa začala hlasnejšie než zvyčajne. Niekto pri okne púšťal z mobilu krátke video, pri zadných laviciach sa riešilo, kto zabudol priniesť fixky na projekt, a cez to všetko bolo počuť šuchot desiatových papierov.
Nela si ukladala zošit do tašky pomalšie, než musela. V skutočnosti len čakala, kým sa pri jej lavici prestane motať toľko ľudí.
Práve vtedy sa vedľa nej objavila Kaja.
„Môžeme na chvíľu?“ spýtala sa ticho.
Nela zdvihla oči. Kaja mala na sebe farebnú mikinu, akú nosila skoro stále, no dnes si nervózne naťahovala rukáv cez dlaň. To nerobila často.
„Tu?“ opýtala sa Nela.
Kaja pozrela smerom ku dverám. „Možno pri okne. Tam je trochu menej… všetkých.“
Prešli len o pár krokov ďalej, ale ruch triedy sa za nimi akoby rozmazal. Medzi oknom a skriňou s pomôckami bolo miesto, kam si nikto bežne nesadal. Vonku bolo sivé ráno a na skle zostali drobné kvapky po nočnom daždi.
Kaja sa chvíľu pozerala na parapet.
„Chcela som ti povedať prepáč,“ začala. „Za to, čo som vtedy povedala. Aj za to, že som sa potom tvárila, že vlastne neviem, prečo sa hneváš.“
Nela mlčala.
„Viem, že som to prehnala,“ pokračovala Kaja rýchlejšie. „A že som sa skôr bránila, než aby som ťa počúvala. Nemala som hovoriť tie veci pred ostatnými. Bolo to hnusné.“
Slovo hnusné zostalo medzi nimi visieť. Nela si spomenula na hádku, na pár viet vyslovených príliš nahlas a na to, ako sa vtedy niektorí spolužiaci zrazu prestali tváriť, že nepočúvajú. Najhoršie nebolo ani to, čo Kaja povedala. Horšie bolo, že to povedala tak, akoby Nela nebola priamo pri nej.
„Dobre,“ ozvala sa napokon.
Kaja sa na ňu pozrela s malou nádejou. „Dobre ako…?“
Nela stisla okraj zošita, ktorý držala pri hrudi. „Dobre, že si to povedala.“
„A už je to v pohode?“
Tá otázka vyšla z Kaje tak rýchlo, že ju asi ani nechcela položiť presne takto. Hneď nato sklopila zrak.
Nela cítila, ako sa jej v hrdle tlačia slová, ale žiadne nechceli vyjsť v správnom poradí. Mohla by prikývnuť. Bolo by to jednoduchšie. Kaja by sa usmiala, obidve by si sadli vedľa seba ako predtým a nikto by sa už nepýtal.
Lenže jej žalúdok sa pri tej predstave stiahol.
„Potrebujem si to premyslieť,“ povedala potichu.
Kaja zamrkala. „Jasné. Dobre. Myslím… jasné.“
Zazvonilo. Nela sa pohla k lavici skôr, než z toho vznikne ďalšia otázka. Keď si sadala, cítila Kajin pohľad na chrbte, ale neotočila sa.
Počas matematiky pani učiteľka vysvetľovala rovnice a písala na tabuľu takým tempom, akoby sa nič na svete nemohlo stať dôležitejším než x a y. Nela si odpisovala príklady, no čísla sa jej miestami zlievali.
Kaja sedela o lavicu ďalej pri okne. Normálne by sa počas hodiny aspoň raz otočila, zdvihla obočie nad nejakým zvláštnym príkladom alebo Neliným smerom posunula pokrčený papierik. Teraz sa neotočila ani raz.
Ticho si všimli aj ostatní.
Mobil zavibroval niekde pod lavicou. Potom ďalší. Nela sa snažila nepozerať, ale keď si Lea pri susednej lavici položila telefón na stehno, na sekundu sa na displeji objavil triedny chat.
8.B bez paniky
Lea: Dnes je tu nejako ticho.
Filip: To je tým, že máme matiku.
Adam: Alebo tým, že niektorí ľudia zrazu nešepkajú každých päť sekúnd.
Pod správou pribudla smejúca sa reakcia. Hneď nato ju niekto odstránil.
Nela si znovu sklopila zrak k zošitu. Vedela, že Adamova poznámka možno nemala byť zlá. Aj tak jej však tvár na okamih ohriala nepríjemná hanba, akoby celá trieda dostala správu o niečom, čo mala mať len ona s Kajou.
O pár lavíc ďalej Kaja zbadala chat tiež. Prsty jej zovreli pero tak silno, až jej z neho zostala modrá čiarka na boku ruky.
Keď sa veci začnú meniť
Pani učiteľka sa otočila od tabule. „Kaja, vypočítaš druhý príklad?“
Dievča sa strhlo. „Ja? Áno. Teda… áno.“
Postavila sa a prečítala čísla tak potichu, že ich učiteľka musela zopakovať. Niekoľko spolužiakov sa po sebe pozrelo. Nikto sa nezasmial. To bolo skoro horšie. Každý sa tváril, že sa nič nestalo, a zároveň bolo cítiť, že si všetci všimli všetko.
Keď konečne zazvonilo, Nela vyšla z triedy medzi prvými. Na chodbe bolo chladnejšie a od automatov pri schodoch voňalo kakao. Prešla k veľkému oknu na konci chodby, kde sa cez prestávky väčšinou tlačili prváci, no teraz tam nikto nebol.
Otvorila svoj zošit so samolepkami na obale. Medzi poznámkami z biológie mala niekoľko prázdnych strán, ktoré nepatrili žiadnemu predmetu.
Najprv napísala:
Počula som ju.
Chvíľu sa na vetu dívala. Potom pod ňu dopísala:
Ale neviem, čo s tým mám spraviť hneď.
Pero sa jej zastavilo nad papierom. V hlave jej znela Kajina otázka: A už je to v pohode?
Nie, pomyslela si. Ešte nie. A to neznamená, že jej chcem ublížiť.
Dvere na chodbu sa otvorili a von vyšla Lea s fľašou vody.
„Ty tu píšeš tajný román?“ opýtala sa s úsmevom.
Nela zošit trochu privrela. „Nie. Len si zapisujem veci.“
„Aha.“ Lea sa oprela o parapet vedľa nej. Na chvíľu bolo počuť len ruch zo schodiska. Potom sa spolužiačka opatrne spýtala: „Je to medzi tebou a Kajou fakt zlé?“
Nela sa nadýchla. Všetko v nej chcelo povedať nič sa nedeje, aby sa nemusela vysvetľovať. Tá veta však teraz znela príliš podobne klamstvu.
„Neviem,“ odpovedala. „Len to nechcem riešiť cez chat a cez každého, kto sa spýta.“
Lea prikývla. „To chápem. V našej triede sa aj ticho niekedy tvári ako seriál.“
Nela sa takmer usmiala.
„Nebudem sa pýtať,“ dodala Lea. „Len… keby niečo.“
Keď odišla, Nela si do zošita napísala ešte jednu vetu, tentoraz menšími písmenami:
Nemusím odpovedať hneď len preto, aby som bola slušná.
Medzitým Kaja stála pri skrinkách a bezcieľne posúvala prstom po displeji mobilu. Adam sa opieral o skrinku vedľa nej. Mal prehodený čierny batoh cez jedno rameno a tváril sa, že len čaká na ďalšiu hodinu.
„Ty si dnes nejaká mimo,“ povedal po chvíli.
„Nie som.“
„Jasné.“
Kaja pretočila oči. „Čo je? Všetci si dnes musíte všímať úplne všetko?“
Adam odlepil pohľad od svojho mobilu. „Nie. Len keď niekto trieska dvierkami od skrinky tak, že sa bojím o svoje učebnice.“
Kaja si všimla, že dvierka naozaj drží príliš silno. Pustila ich a zavrela ich pomalšie.
Na chate pribudla nová správa.
Filip: Kto má fotku zadania na prírodopis?
Lea: Ja pošlem.
Adam: Vidíte? Svet sa točí ďalej.
Kaja si prečítala Adamovu poslednú správu dvakrát. „To si písal kvôli mne?“
„Skôr kvôli všetkým,“ povedal. „Trieda má taký talent. Keď sa dvaja ľudia nebavia, ostatní hneď začnú dopĺňať titulky.“
„Ja som sa ospravedlnila,“ vyhŕkla Kaja. „Normálne. Bez výhovoriek. A ona povedala, že si to potrebuje premyslieť.“
Adam na ňu chvíľu pozeral. „No tak si to asi potrebuje premyslieť.“
„Vďaka, to by mi nenapadlo.“
„Nemyslel som to blbo.“
Kaja si schovala mobil do vrecka. „Len neviem, čo mám teraz robiť. Sedieť a čakať, kým sa rozhodne, či som hrozný človek?“
„Asi nie. Ale možno tiež nemusíš hneď vedieť, ako to dopadne.“
„To sa ľahko povie.“
Adam pokrčil ramenami. „Ja tiež nemám rád čakanie. Lenže keď na niekoho stále tlačíš, aby ti dal odpoveď, tak mu ju vlastne už ani nedovolíš vymyslieť.“
Kaja chcela odseknúť, že ona na Nelu netlačí. Potom si spomenula na svoju otázku pri okne. A už je to v pohode?
Bola to len jedna veta. Aj tak v nej bolo všetko: Prosím, povedz áno. Prosím, nech sa už nemusím cítiť zle. Prosím, nech je zase všetko normálne.
Dôležitý okamih
„Možno som chcela, aby sa to rýchlo skončilo hlavne kvôli sebe,“ povedala nakoniec.
Adam sa netváril víťazne ani múdro. Len prikývol. „To vie byť dosť bežné.“
Po poslednej hodine sa chodby rýchlo vyprázdňovali. Dvere búchali, niekto sa cez polovicu schodiska lúčil príliš nahlas a školníčka pri vchode už zbierala z podlahy mokré stopy od topánok.
Nela si pri skrinke zapínala bundu, keď za sebou začula Kajin hlas.
„Nela?“
Otočila sa. Kaja stála o krok ďalej než ráno. Tentoraz sa nepribližovala.
„Môžem sa niečo spýtať?“
„Môžeš.“
Kaja sa nadýchla. „Bolo to ospravedlnenie málo?“
Tá otázka znela inak než predtým. Nebola v nej nádej, že dostane správnu odpoveď. Skôr strach, že ju nedostane vôbec.
Nela si upravila popruh tašky na pleci. „Nebolo málo.“
Kaja sa trochu narovnala.
„Len nebolo… všetko,“ dopovedala Nela. „To, že si povedala prepáč, je dobré. Fakt. Ale ja ešte neviem byť hneď ako predtým.“
Na Kajinej tvári sa mihlo sklamanie. Tentoraz ho však nezakryla smiechom ani nehodila rukami do vzduchu.
„Takže nechceš, aby sme boli kamarátky?“
Nela rýchlo pokrútila hlavou. „To som nepovedala.“
„Ale možno si to myslíš.“
„Možno neviem, čo si myslím celé.“ Nela sa pozrela na rad skriniek, nie priamo na ňu. „Keď sa stalo to, čo sa stalo, cítila som sa fakt blbo. A potom si sa so mnou pár dní bavila, akoby to nebolo dôležité. Teraz nechcem predstierať, že to zrazu nie je dôležité len preto, že sa ospravedlníš.“
Kaja pomaly prikývla.
„Ja ťa neignorujem ako trest,“ dodala Nela. „Len potrebujem trochu pokoj. Aby som vedela, či ti zasa budem veriť rovnako. Alebo inak. Neviem.“
„Dobre,“ povedala Kaja.
Nela na ňu prekvapene pozrela. Čakala ďalšiu otázku, možno obranu. Nič také však neprišlo.
„Nie je to úplne dobre,“ opravila sa Kaja a zhlboka vydýchla. „Je to dosť na nič. Ale rozumiem, asi. Aspoň trochu.“
„Ja tiež neviem, ako to robiť správne,“ priznala Nela.
„To je super,“ zamrmlala Kaja. „Takže sme dve.“
Obe sa na okamih usmiali. Nebol to starý, ľahký úsmev, po ktorom sa všetko vráti na miesto. Skôr malý priestor, ktorý sa medzi nimi otvoril.
Potom Kaja ustúpila k schodom. „Nebudem na teba tlačiť. Aspoň sa o to pokúsim.“
„Vďaka,“ povedala Nela.
„A keď budeš chcieť hovoriť…“ Kaja pokrčila ramenami. „Som tu. Aj keď budem asi dosť zle znášať čakanie.“
„To som si všimla,“ odpovedala Nela tichšie.
Tentoraz sa Kaja naozaj zasmiala, len krátko. „Hej. Na tom pracujem.“
Večer sedela Nela doma pri stole. Lampa osvetľovala zošit, pohár s ceruzkami a kúsok rohu z učebnice dejepisu, ktorú mala mať otvorenú. Za dverami niekto v kuchyni umýval riad. Mobil ležal vedľa nej obrazovkou dolu.
Triedny chat už riešil fotku zadania na prírodopis, zajtrajší telocvik a otázku, či je školská jedáleň schopná pripraviť normálne cestoviny. Medzi správami nebolo nič o nej ani o Kaji.
O pár ulíc ďalej Kaja sedela na posteli, s mobilom v ruke. Niekoľkokrát otvorila konverzáciu s Nelou. Napísala: Si v pohode?
Potom správu zmazala.
Napísala: Fakt prepáč.
Aj tú vymazala.
Nakoniec položila mobil vedľa seba a pozrela sa z okna na tmavé strechy. Čakanie jej stále liezlo na nervy. Lenže prvý raz si nemyslela, že ticho musí znamenať koniec.
Nela otočila v zošite na čistú stranu. Chvíľu držala pero nad papierom, potom napísala jednu vetu.
Prepáč potrebuje čas.
Pokračovanie nabudúce…
Between Us, part 10: Sorry Is Not Enough
The Story Begins
The break started louder than usual. Someone by the window was playing a short video on a phone, there was a discussion near the back desks about who had forgotten the markers for a project, and all the while the soft rustle of lunch wrappers could be heard.
Nela packed her notebook into her bag more slowly than she had to. Really, she was only waiting for the people around her desk to move away.
Then Kaja appeared beside her.
“Can we talk for a minute?” she asked quietly.
Nela looked up. Kaja wore her colorful hoodie, the kind she almost always had on, but today she was nervously pulling the sleeve over her hand. That was not like her.
“Here?” Nela asked.
Kaja looked toward the door. “Maybe by the window. There are fewer… people there.”
They only walked a few steps, but the noise of the classroom seemed to blur behind them. Between the window and the cabinet with school supplies was a spot where nobody usually sat. Outside, the morning was gray, and small drops from the night rain still stayed on the glass.
Kaja looked at the windowsill for a moment.
“I wanted to say sorry,” she began. “For what I said back then. And for acting like I didn’t even know why you were angry.”
Nela said nothing.
“I know I went too far,” Kaja continued faster. “And I was defending myself instead of listening to you. I should not have said those things in front of the others. It was awful.”
The word awful hung between them. Nela remembered the fight, a few words said too loudly, and how some classmates had suddenly stopped pretending they were not listening. The worst part had not even been what Kaja said. It had been the way she said it, as if Nela were not standing right there.
“Okay,” Nela said at last.
Kaja looked at her with a little hope. “Okay as in…?”
Nela tightened her fingers on the edge of the notebook she was holding to her chest. “Okay that you said it.”
“And is it all fine now?”
The question came out so quickly that Kaja probably had not meant to ask it exactly like that. Right after, she dropped her eyes.
Nela felt words pressing in her throat, but none of them wanted to come out in the right order. She could nod. That would be easier. Kaja would smile, they would sit together again like before, and nobody would ask anything else.
Still, her stomach tightened at the thought.
“I need to think about it,” she said quietly.
Kaja blinked. “Sure. Okay. I mean… sure.”
The bell rang. Nela moved back to her desk before there could be another question. When she sat down, she could feel Kaja looking at her back, but she did not turn around.
During math, the teacher explained equations and wrote on the board at a speed that made it seem like nothing in the world could be more important than x and y. Nela copied the examples, but the numbers blurred together in places.
Kaja sat one desk away by the window. Normally, during class, she would at least turn once, raise her eyebrows at some strange problem, or slide a crumpled note toward Nela. Now she did not turn even once.
The others noticed the silence too.
A phone buzzed somewhere under a desk. Then another one. Nela tried not to look, but when Lea from the next desk put her phone on her thigh, the class chat appeared for a second on the screen.
When Things Start to Change
8.B no panic
Lea: It’s weirdly quiet today.
Filip: That’s because we have math.
Adam: Or because some people suddenly stopped whispering every five seconds.
A laughing reaction appeared under the message. Right after that, someone removed it.
Nela lowered her eyes back to her notebook. Adam’s comment was probably not meant to be mean. Even so, a wave of embarrassing heat rose to her face, as if the whole class had been told about something that was only supposed to belong to her and Kaja.
A few desks away, Kaja saw the chat too. Her fingers clenched the pen so hard that a blue mark was left on the side of her hand.
The teacher turned from the board. “Kaja, can you solve the second example?”
The girl jerked upright. “Me? Yes. I mean… yes.”
She stood up and read the numbers so quietly that the teacher had to repeat them. A few classmates looked at one another. Nobody laughed. That was almost worse. Everyone acted like nothing had happened, and at the same time it was clear that everyone had noticed everything.
When the bell finally rang, Nela was one of the first to leave the classroom. The hallway felt colder, and cocoa smelled from the machines by the stairs. She walked to the big window at the end of the corridor, where the younger students usually crowded during breaks, but now nobody was there.
She opened her sticker-covered notebook. Between the biology notes there were a few empty pages that did not belong to any subject.
First, she wrote:
I heard her.
She stared at the sentence for a while. Then she added below it:
But I do not know what to do with it right away.
The pen stopped above the paper. Kaja’s question kept sounding in her head: And is it all fine now?
No, she thought. Not yet. And that does not mean I want to hurt her.
The door to the hallway opened, and Lea came out holding a water bottle.
“Are you writing a secret novel?” she asked with a smile.
Nela closed her notebook a little. “No. I’m just writing things down.”
“Oh.” Lea leaned against the windowsill next to her. For a moment, only the noise from the stairs could be heard. Then the classmate asked carefully, “Is it really bad between you and Kaja?”
Nela took a breath. Everything in her wanted to say, Nothing is going on, so she would not have to explain. But that sentence now sounded too much like a lie.
“I don’t know,” she answered. “I just don’t want to deal with it through chat and through everyone who asks.”
Lea nodded. “I get that. In our class, even silence sometimes acts like a TV series.”
Nela almost smiled.
“I won’t ask,” Lea added. “Just… if you need anything.”
When she left, Nela wrote one more line in her notebook, this time in smaller letters:
I do not have to answer right away just to be polite.
Meanwhile, Kaja stood by the lockers and moved her finger over the screen of her phone without a clear goal. Adam leaned against the locker next to hers. He had a black backpack over one shoulder and looked like he was only waiting for the next lesson.
“You seem a bit off today,” he said after a while.
“I’m not.”
“Sure.”
Kaja rolled her eyes. “What? Does everyone have to notice absolutely everything today?”
Adam lifted his gaze from his phone. “No. Only when someone is slamming locker doors so hard that I’m worried about my textbooks.”
An Important Moment
Kaja noticed that she really was holding the door too tightly. She let go and closed it more slowly.
A new message appeared in the chat.
Filip: Who has a photo of the science assignment?
Lea: I’ll send it.
Adam: See? The world keeps turning.
Kaja read Adam’s last message twice. “Was that about me?”
“More about everyone,” he said. “Our class has this talent. When two people are not talking, the others immediately start adding subtitles.”
“I said sorry,” Kaja blurted out. “Properly. No excuses. And she said she needs to think about it.”
Adam looked at her for a moment. “Then she probably needs to think about it.”
“Thanks, that really would not have occurred to me.”
“I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”
Kaja put her phone into her pocket. “I just don’t know what to do now. Sit and wait until she decides whether I’m a terrible person?”
“Probably not. But maybe you also do not have to know right away how it ends.”
“That’s easy to say.”
Adam shrugged. “I don’t like waiting either. But if you keep pushing someone for an answer, then you do not really let them figure it out.”
Kaja wanted to snap back that she was not pushing Nela. Then she remembered her own question by the window. Is it all fine now?
It had only been one sentence. Even so, everything was in it: Please say yes. Please let me not feel bad anymore. Please let everything be normal again.
“Maybe I wanted it to end quickly mostly because of me,” she said at last.
Adam did not look proud or wise. He only nodded. “That can be pretty normal.”
After the last lesson, the hallways emptied quickly. Doors slammed, someone said goodbye too loudly from halfway down the stairs, and the school cleaner near the entrance was already picking up wet footprints from the floor.
Nela was closing her jacket at her locker when she heard Kaja’s voice behind her.
“Nela?”
She turned around. Kaja stood one step farther away than she had in the morning. This time she did not come closer.
“Can I ask you something?”
“You can.”
Kaja took a breath. “Was the apology not enough?”
The question sounded different now. There was no hope in it that she would get the right answer. There was more fear that she would not get one at all.
Nela adjusted the strap of her bag on her shoulder. “It was not too little.”
Kaja straightened a little.
“It just was not… everything,” Nela finished. “Saying sorry is good. Really. But I still cannot be just like before right away.”
Disappointment flashed across Kaja’s face. This time, though, she did not hide it with laughter or throw her hands in the air.
“So you don’t want us to be friends?”
Nela quickly shook her head. “That is not what I said.”
“But maybe that’s what you think.”
“Maybe I don’t know what I think yet.” Nela looked at the row of lockers instead of at her. “When what happened happened, I felt really bad. And then you talked to me for a few days like it was not important. Now I do not want to pretend it suddenly does not matter just because you say sorry.”
Kaja nodded slowly.
“I’m not ignoring you as punishment,” Nela added. “I just need a little peace. So I can know whether I can trust you the same way again. Or differently. I don’t know.”
“Okay,” Kaja said.
What Comes Next
Nela looked at her in surprise. She had expected another question, maybe a defense. But nothing like that came.
“It’s not really okay,” Kaja corrected herself and took a deep breath. “It’s pretty terrible. But I understand, I guess. At least a little.”
“I also don’t know how to do this right,” Nela admitted.
“That’s great,” Kaja muttered. “So there are two of us.”
For a moment, they both smiled. It was not the old easy smile that made everything go back into place. It was more like a small space opening between them.
Then Kaja stepped back toward the stairs. “I won’t push you. I’ll at least try.”
“Thanks,” Nela said.
“And if you want to talk…” Kaja lifted one shoulder. “I’m here. Even if I’m probably really bad at waiting.”
“I noticed,” Nela answered more softly.
This time Kaja really laughed, just briefly. “Yeah. I’m working on it.”
In the evening, Nela sat at the table at home. The lamp lit up her notebook, a glass of pencils, and the corner of the history book she was supposed to have open. Somewhere behind the door, someone in the kitchen was washing dishes. Her phone lay beside her with the screen facing down.
The class chat was already talking about a photo of the science assignment, tomorrow’s gym lesson, and whether the school cafeteria was capable of making normal pasta. Between the messages, there was nothing about her or Kaja.
A few streets away, Kaja sat on her bed with her phone in her hand. Several times she opened the conversation with Nela. She typed: Are you okay?
Then she deleted the message.
She typed: I’m really sorry.
She deleted that too.
In the end, she put the phone beside her and looked out the window at the dark rooftops. Waiting still got on her nerves. Yet for the first time, she did not think silence had to mean the end.
Nela turned to a clean page in her notebook. She held the pen over the paper for a moment, then wrote one sentence.
Sorry needs time.
To be continued…